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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's Daughter Makes Impassioned and Muffled Plea for... Something

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's Daughter Makes Impassioned and Muffled Plea for... Something

Delegates at the United Nations leaned forward intently this week as Violet Affleck, daughter of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, delivered what was widely described as “an extremely muffled and possibly important” speech. Attendees continue to speculate whether she was advocating for climate action, universal healthcare, or more Dunkin’ Donuts

Pentagon Unveils New "Everything Below the Eyebrows" Grooming Standards

Pentagon Unveils New "Everything Below the Eyebrows" Grooming Standards

Office Depot Prints Charlie Kirk Apology Banner

Office Depot Prints Charlie Kirk Apology Banner

Right Wing Takes Over Wikipedia, Immediately Gives it Back When They Discover It’s Unpaid Work

Right Wing Takes Over Wikipedia, Immediately Gives it Back When They Discover It’s Unpaid Work

“Metaverse is safe for kids!” Shouts Mark Zuckerberg From Candy-filled, Windowless, White Van

“Metaverse is safe for kids!” Shouts Mark Zuckerberg From Candy-filled, Windowless, White Van

Ocean Rise of 1.5 mm Credited Solely to Al Gore’s Sunken Political Aspirations

Ocean Rise of 1.5 mm Credited Solely to Al Gore’s Sunken Political Aspirations

A new study by the Journal of Marine Science and Engineering shows that projected sea level rise of up to 10 feet have been overestimated. Furthermore, the revised projection of just 1.5 mm of sea level rise is now solely attributed to the sinking of Al Gore’s presidential

Steve Ballmer Gifts Kawhi Leonard Early Birthday Card Stuffed with $28 Million in Powerball Tickets

Steve Ballmer Gifts Kawhi Leonard Early Birthday Card Stuffed with $28 Million in Powerball Tickets

Soon to be Married David Byrne Concerned His Suit Doesn’t Not Fit Anymore

Soon to be Married David Byrne Concerned His Suit Doesn’t Not Fit Anymore

President Trump Trying Desperately to Stay Alive Long Enough to Play Silksong

President Trump Trying Desperately to Stay Alive Long Enough to Play Silksong

Entire Democratic Party Hospitalized with Whiplash After Minnesota Shooting Response

Entire Democratic Party Hospitalized with Whiplash After Minnesota Shooting Response

Will Smith Slaps AI Generated Crowd Member

Will Smith Slaps AI Generated Crowd Member

Will Smith’s Based on a True Story tour promo has sparked outrage after fans spotted AI-generated audience members with extra fingers and signs reading “FR6SH CRINCE.” The internet erupted, accusing Smith of faking fan fervor. Sources claim Smith, fed up with glitchy AI crowds, “slapped” a pixelated fan mid-video,

President Trump Successfully Covers "Starland Vocal Band" Tattoo

President Trump Successfully Covers "Starland Vocal Band" Tattoo

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's Respective Careers Slip Just Enough to Settle for Each Other

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's Respective Careers Slip Just Enough to Settle for Each Other

RFK Jr.’s Latest Crackpot Conspiracy: Don’t Harvest Organs From the Living

RFK Jr.’s Latest Crackpot Conspiracy: Don’t Harvest Organs From the Living

Taking First Base: A Memoir of Loss and Rejected Visas

Taking First Base: A Memoir of Loss and Rejected Visas

Trump Replaces Entire Traveling Press Pool

Trump Replaces Entire Traveling Press Pool

Following the removal of Wall Street Journal reporter Tarini Parti from the White House’s traveling press pool, President Trump has decided to replace his entire press entourage with the cast of McDonald’s mascots. “The old guard of the press corps was too slow, their floors were sticky, and

Real ID Slammed as Discriminatory to Vampires

Real ID Slammed as Discriminatory to Vampires

Wrong Way: How Signs are Ruining America

Wrong Way: How Signs are Ruining America

French Philosopher Officially ‘Unpersoned’ by UK Government for Thought Deviance

French Philosopher Officially ‘Unpersoned’ by UK Government for Thought Deviance

Safety Is Our #1 Priority... #2-10? Secretly Selling Passenger Data To Homeland Security

Safety Is Our #1 Priority... #2-10? Secretly Selling Passenger Data To Homeland Security

Spain’s Defense Spending Exemption Robs NATO of Essential Conquistadors

Spain’s Defense Spending Exemption Robs NATO of Essential Conquistadors

Spain’s recent exemption from NATO's defense spending targets means the alliance will lose critical access to its famed conquistador battalions.

Cancelled Comedian Unsure How Many More Minority Groups He Must Offend to Get on Rogan

Cancelled Comedian Unsure How Many More Minority Groups He Must Offend to Get on Rogan

U.S. to Photograph Everyone Crossing into Mexico, Eliminating Unnecessary Cavity Searches for Those with “Resting-Balloon-of-Heroin-Up-their-Butt-Face”

U.S. to Photograph Everyone Crossing into Mexico, Eliminating Unnecessary Cavity Searches for Those with “Resting-Balloon-of-Heroin-Up-their-Butt-Face”

Yale Demands To Know Why They Aren’t Being Singled Out By Trump

Yale Demands To Know Why They Aren’t Being Singled Out By Trump

Escape the Noise with Our Screen Free, Hard Labor, Eco-Luxury Cruise!

Escape the Noise with Our Screen Free, Hard Labor, Eco-Luxury Cruise!