Spark Joy, Declutter, Sell Your Info to the NSA
Spring is just around the corner, and it’s time to start cleaning up your i-closet. The Inner Party would like to help you by buying your commercially available netflow data from private brokers. You know, internet metadata that shows us everywhere you browse online? A well-tracked citizen is a well-loved citizen — and we understand your hoarding has gotten out of control.
Since we already have your location, we'll come to you! It was procured from that app you downloaded which gathered and sold your whereabouts without bothering you by asking for consent. Or, maybe it was the app where you knowingly pressed “allow” without thinking twice so you could start playing Pokemon Go? Either way, we have your IP address.
Don't think of it as a privacy invasion that legitimizes an unethical industry, but the prioritization of transparency and protection from foreign hackers. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by your own mess, we'll bring reinforcements. Our friends at the IRS, Homeland Security, and Defense Intelligence Agency all deal in expedient data procurement services without obtaining those annoying court orders.
So, sweep away the winter storms of cloud storage hovering over your head. Let Big Brother guide you through this process on your path to minimalist clarity.